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Mar 27, 2017

Imagining Donald Trump on an earnings call

Donald Trump’s rhetorical style helped propel him into the highest office in the US. But how would it transfer into an earnings call situation?

‘Thank you everybody. Thanks so much for dialing in today. Isn’t this incredible? It’s 90 days since our last call. And we’re here again! On the call. Here. It’s true! 

You’re here because you think we’re a great company. That’s why you cover us. And invest in us. You know that we are – we are! – the greatest! We are the greatest company. In the world. We deliver more value. More money. We’re better than the others. They LIE in their disclosures. They LIE about their guidance. Only we tell the truth. And that’s the honest truth. 

And with me in charge, we’re getting greater. And greater. When I was appointed, some news reporters said I wasn’t qualified to be CEO. They said I had no experience. No experience! Me?! No experience? I have the most experience. The best experience. Ask anyone. I have THE BEST EXPERIENCE. And that’s the truth. 

The truth is we’ve had another great quarter. An incredible quarter. A. Terrific. Quarter. With so much sales. So much sold. Amazing. Sales! The sales were amazing. And that’s the truth. 

We’ve also been moving production back to the US. Now, some of you have complained that this is a Bad Thing. That this is a Nasty Thing. A Bad Nasty Thing (for our share price). But I say no. We’ve made jobs. So many jobs. In the US. So far we’ve shut five production centers in Mexico and moved them back to the US and we are now getting government subsidies to compensate us. Which is absolutely great – and it’s true. 

This has been a huge success for our company. Some people in the media said our profits would be down because of rising costs, but they were wrong. THEY WERE NOT DOWN. They may have seemed down 20 percent. They were less. But they were not really down. Last year we made lots of money. Five ZERO ZERO ZERO billion dollars. That is a lot of money – ask anyone, that’s huge! 

Some newspapers wrote that investors thought we were running out of ideas. We are NOT running out of ideas. We have great ideas. We have all the ideas. They said I was flip-flopping. That’s not what I said. I said nothing about flip-flops. Someone put a press release out. But they were liars. I do not flip-flop. Never worn them in my life! 

And we have ideas! Great ideas! More ideas than anyone else. And We Listen. Last time on the call one of you asked about Intellectual Property. ‘You need to protect your IP better,’ you said. ‘You need to keep out those patent thieves.’ 

You were right. You know what we’re going to do? We’ve got it covered. Yes, you heard it here first. We are gonna build a big wall around our R&D facilities. And make our competitors pay for it! 

Now. Someone before asked me about succession. I like success. I know success. I am a success. But succession – what’s that? I put the success in succession. There will be no succession. Only success. It’s going to be another great quarter. All the quarters will be great. Just like me. It’s terrific. And it’s true.’

This article appeared in the spring 2017 issue of IR Magazine