An amusing look at the push for more women in the boardroom
Receptionist: Hello, Rendezvous Unlimited at your service. How can I help you today?
Company secretary: I’d like a woman.
R: Well, you’ve come to the right place. Would you like to fill in a form?
CS: Actually, I might even like two...
R: I’m sure, sir, but our rules are quite clear on the matter. We cannot introduce a second candidate until it has become apparent that the first candidate does not fit the bill.
CS: But that might take months to become clear. I really need to see a few women at the same time to see which one can deal with my specific situation.
R: Right, well, perhaps it would be a good idea to start with filling in this form. Do you have an age range in mind? Do you prefer blondes? Does size matter?
CS: I beg your pardon? Size? Blondes? I need somebody who understands governance...
R: Woah! I’ve got to stop you there, sir. Women who are into governance, as you so delicately put it, are dealt with by quite a different agency from ours. I’m not one to be judgmental but the sort of lady you’re suggesting might not be available here...
CS: And, of course, she’d have to be able to hold her own against a group of men.
R: Strength of character, right, I’ll tick that box.
CS: I mean dealing with eight or so men at once can prove a handful for even the most capable woman.
R: What! Are you quite sure you have come to the right place? Perhaps you might like our sister company? It deals with what one might euphemistically call group bookings.
CS: And I’m not bothered about age. I know experience is an asset but frankly, I would much prefer somebody who can learn on the job, someone who can learn our ways and little quirks.
R: I think, sir, it would be better to stop this conversation now, before it goes too far.
CS: I mean, it’s not as if we haven’t been doing well without a woman. In fact, some might say we’ve been coping fantastically. Our little group of men rub along very nicely together. We understand each other’s needs and strengths.
R: Er, that sounds very cosy, sir. It’s been lovely to meet you...
CS: The Cranfield School of Management has a lot to answer for. It’s not my fault there are only 135 female board-level positions out of a total of 1,067 FTSE 100 roles, is it? No! It is not. But try telling that to the chairman’s wife. Ever since she became involved with the Women’s Institute, she’s become militant and very pro-women’s rights. The poor chairman only encouraged her to join because her sponge cakes were as light as a paving stones (and just as tasty), but she’s not interested in baking. She’s interested in empowerment.
R: Well, women are woefully under-represented in the business world.
CS: Next you’ll be telling us to get a sustainability strategy or a mission statement.
R: Goodbye sir.
