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What up? I know about being an investor relations officer, ****. I too struggle to maintain a connection with the Street. I want to be certain all our investors know everything about our company. And once I was good. But I wasn't good enough.
I just couldn't seem to get through to our younger investors. No matter how hard I tried, they either didn't understand or weren't interested in what I was trying to communicate. And who could blame them? I was going about it all the wrong way. But, then again, I didn't know what I know now.
Problem was, a lot of the shareholders I was trying to speak to (not to mention my senior management) are high-tech youngsters. Gamers and battle rappers. So I knew I had to figure out some new way of getting down with them. I couldn't defeat their attitudes, so I joined them: by spittin' rhymes.
It was tough in the beginning. My CEO would laugh every time I tried to say 'aight.' But I finally started getting the hang of freestyling. For one thing, having some hardcore beats bumpin' really helps keep it all on. And as our in-house counsel is fond of saying, 'You just gotta communicate truly, feel what you're saying and don't fake it, you feel me?'
Soon, I won the approval of our board: they said I had 'juice'. In other words, they liked my ideas about keeping the Street real.
For our next annual meeting, I rented a local nightspot and prepared for the show.
Soon our shareholders arrived: hackers and rhythm fans in boots and silver jeans.
Suddenly, a wall of beats hit them! I took the stage and started spittin' crazy rhymes:
You see me up here in my gear that's oh. so. phat.
I bet you never seen a scene like this, you think I'm whack
But this rendezvous is gonna get through to you
'Cuz I never seen stock so high before, kids
I'm surprised that you ain't pitchin' more bids
This stock, it hot, ****, hotter than your controllers after hours of play, hey...
The crowd stood there agape. I wasn't sure if it was the end of my job or what. But then this venture cap fund manager jumped on stage and grabbed a mike. '****, this dog is fresh,' he shouted. Everyone went wild to mad-heavy beats while we freestyled. He asked me how things were and I spat back, pointing out that we were up 5 percent from last year. The crowd bounced. Then, because I knew I had them, I brought it on:
For immediate release to the dogs out there
Just got to tell you our earnings per share
We're, ah, just check this out
Better than you've seen before
Climbin' round about 14, like a dream
Jump in my Hummer, we'll take a ride
Cause this free cash flow makes me glow
Things rockin' for two quarters in a row
But, you let me know what ya think
Cause I'm takin' it all in, fools...
What a year! First, we had our 'Rip n' Spit It' conference call. Next I organized a site visit for our analysts and investors. I had all our employees stay in their street clothes and I hooked up a site-wide sound system. We practiced the moves and then they did a whole choreographed set while we took the tour. Man, that was impressive, ****. And that was just the beginning.
When we released our latest CD, 'VidKids Annual Report: Live from the Source', our shareholders went crazy, breakdancing to our yearly earnings track. I must say, I can't blame them: it's one hot record.