Kensington Palace plots the future life and career of Prince George, as seen by Helen Dunne
Scene: Kensington Palace
Okay then, just to reiterate why we’re gathered here together: we’re going to plan the life of the future king to make sure there are no silly slip-ups or faux pas. One Harry in the family is quite enough!
So, William and Kate, thanks for choosing his name from the approved list. I know your personal favorite was Justin, because you are Beliebers, but after that incident spitting at fans, it really wasn’t on.
On a separate matter, we do have some issues with old Dubya, who thinks Prince George has been named in his honor, but heck, it might ultimately help our ‘special relationship’ with the US.
Now Kate, please don’t give any hints of your baby routine to any journalist or friend. Breast might be best, but your breasts were in the headlines a bit too much last year after that paparazzo shot and I don’t want to see them back there.
If George’s favorite TV program turns out to be Peppa Pig or Thomas the tank engine, keep it to yourself. The future king of England should not be plonked in front of the television as far as the public knows. We don’t want to give any fodder to those mummy bloggers.
Schools, I think we’re all agreed on. We’ve put him down for Eton and then we’d like him to go to a ‘normal’ university. Who knows? Let’s hope he follows your lead, William, and meets a nice girl like Kate. And on that point, girlfriends: it stands to reason these will have to be vetted.
We have a list of approved ‘girlfriends’ for his early years. Mostly, we’re going by name: Emilys, Charlottes, Matildas and Elizabeths are in; Chardonnays, Britneys, Rihannas and Apples are out.
As for any children named after the location in which they were conceived, Prince George is to have no contact at all with them. Do you understand?
The same goes for the offspring of disgraced politicians, soccer club owners or City bankers. And don’t get me started on Russian oligarchs. The rule is: if their home is bigger than Buckingham Palace, they’re out.
Now, onto careers. A brief period immersed in charitable work is ideal; perhaps the gap year after university?
Obviously, the type of charity is key. Preserving wildlife is good, working at rescue centers for abandoned guinea pigs not so much. And under no circumstances can our future king be seen to rattle a collection box on the high street.
The armed forces remain an attractive proposition, following in his father’s footsteps. But we will have to rule on that nearer the time. With recent personnel cutbacks, we can’t risk headlines that the future king has stolen a job from one of his ‘servants’.
Retail is out; the monarchy does not work in trade. The City is almost certainly out, as is working for any private equity organization or hedge fund. I don’t care if Prince George has an aptitude for synthetic collateralized debt obligations – he is not to go near them.
Silicon Valley is obviously a potential career route although we would rather he worked at Silicon Roundabout. Frankly, I’m not sure any member of the Royal Family has previously ventured into that part of London.
We would not approve a rather unedifying career in computer games development, however. I’m thinking more along the lines of crowdsourcing for the greater good or creating an online philanthropic portal.
On consideration, there is only one career of which all advisers to the Royal Household approve. It’s rarely in the headlines, and it’s a solid and dependable role, with the opportunity to travel. There’s even a chance to win an award every year. Yes, we think Prince George should become an IRO. All those in favor, please say ‘Aye’.
